Bless Me Father for I have Sinned.

I just finished my third novel, THE GENERAL STORE, and hit the publish button at It is another work of comic fiction. This time an environmental/sex comedy set in the small town of Apple, Massachusetts. I wrote THE GENERAL STORE due to my subconscious desire to be excommunicated from the Catholic church. I’ve always wanted a bishop, or perhaps a cardinal, to knock on my door and yell at me like a home plate umpire, “You’re Outta here!”

I’m not sure how many sins THE GENERAL STORE commits because the sin-counter on my word processor has been disabled by a virus, but there is one chapter where every other word is mother f*!!*#* and another where an well-endowed young man does something improper with a Wendy’s chocolate Frosty.

I can’t say I’m proud about writing a book with no redeeming qualities, but I’m fairly certain it does contain a few scenes that will make most readers smash their Kindles on the ground and laugh until their sides hurt, and what’s wrong with that, especially if you got one of those new Fire tablets that constantly freezes and randomly shouts ‘redrum!” while you’re trying to read.

I also believe THE GENERAL STORE has a few noteworthy quotes, including the first rule of infidelity, “Don’t cheat with a woman that looks like an orangutang if your wife is a kick-boxer.” I also believe the book has one of the all-time great opening lines, but I’ll leave that to you to judge. (Go to Amazon and click on preview, if you’re too cheap to throw down the $2.99)

Now comes the hard part of writing a book, selling it.

With my last work, THE WALKING MAN (11/18 Five Star reviews) I did the twitter thing. This means I spent my time trying to sell my book to other authors who are generally too busy writing to read. I also did the Free KDP Select scam, giving away 10,000+ books to earn enough money to buy a pack of used condoms. This time around my plan is to advertise. Pure and simple. I’ve read there is no worse return than advertising an ebook, that readership must be earned by sending hand-signed letters to book bloggers, and begging literary rock stars for a retweet. My fear is this is true, but nonetheless I plan to advertise. Now I just have to find a web site with a million viewers that will accept an ad for a book about a man with a big one – a really big one.

Hmmm, maybe Funny or Die!


Sucky the Fish

One of my kids named the fish, so I might be spelling his or hers name wrong. I’m not sure. But, I do know Sucky the Fish, did live with our family for a good six months before meeting his or hers maker.

I know this because I killed Sucky. But, it was not intentional.

Several years ago Massachusetts experienced a December ice storm that knocked out power to our house, for more than a week. As soon as I saw the downed trees I called a hotel twenty miles away and rented a suite, beating about 500,000 other people to the punch. It was my finest moment.

Each evening at the hotel, after the kids were asleep, I’d dress like a line man so folks would buy me free drinks.

“Thank you, for all your good work,” strangers would say to me.

“Just doing my job,” I’d reply.

It was the best of times.

Before leaving for the hotel I drained the water in the house to prevent its pipes from freezing/bursting. I had it all figured out. The only problem was I forgot about Sucky the Fish and his or hers friends in our aquarium. What can I tell you? I’m not a pet person.

Upon power restoration I eventually led my brood back home. I entered the house first. Luckily, the kids were fighting, some sibling rivalry thing, so I saw the frozen fish tank first. Sucky and his friends in a block of ice.

“Guys, stop fighting!” I yelled. “Do me a favor go downstairs and make sure the TV is working!” The ploy bought me enough time to open the back door and hurl the entire fish tank into a snow bank.

Minutes latest the questions started.

“Where’s Sucky?”

Without hesitating I responded, “I brought Sucky back to Pet Smart so she would not freeze to death.”

“Good thinking Dad,” the oldest one said.

“She cuaght a bit of a cold, so she might be there awhile,” I added.

The brothers bought it.

A few days later the questions started. “When are we going to Pet Smart to get Sucky?”

“Sucky’s still recovering,” I’d respond.

Eventually, the questions stopped. I had won. I got away with murder, or so I thought.

Then tonight at the dinner table, out of nowhere, four plus years after the freezing of Sucky, my middle one asks, “Did you really bring Sucky the Fish to Pet Smart?”

It was a Santa Claus moment. I assessed whether my son could handle the truth and then I responded, “Of course I did. In fact, Sucky recently died of natural causes after living a long, full life.”

“That’s too bad,” he said. But, I could tell he did not believe me.

I waited for the follow-on questions to begin, but they never happened. My son is getting older. He had intentionally left me of the hook for killing Sucky the Fish.

EVEN STEVEN – A Book Without a Genre

When I started writing Even Steven I thought it would be about a man who tried to get even with God for killing his wife. When I finished writing the book, I had no idea what to think of it. I had purposefully smashed together elements of many genres in an attempt to do something out of the box. I’m very pleased that I have received several emails that question the books genre. I’m also humbled by the favorable reviews. See sample below.
“It would be hard not to like this book. It has mystery, witty humor, colorful characters, interesting story and a lot of originality. The story follows the paths of two couples from dating and marriage to death and despair. Steven and Hope are faced with the daunting task of raising their children after their spouses are taken from them. They meet in a small town called Apple and eventually marry out of necessity for their children. The unconventional family is surrounded by a town of quirky residents including the nasty man hating elementary school teacher focused on destroying Steven. I’m not sure what genre to classify it as because it is not like anything else I’ve read. I don’t know what else to say except I really liked this book.”

My plan to sell 1 million ebooks in 1 week!

Since we all know ebook sales no longer have anything to do with the quality of your work, traditional means of promoting an ebook are completely meaningless. Internet hype is all that matters. The new goal of any legitimate author should be to write a best seller that nobody reads. The key to doing this, as we all know, is to generate sufficient “web-buzz” to induce a moment of virtual mass hysteria that causes one million people to simultaneous share the need to spend ninety-nine cents to fill a few kilobytes of memory in their respective Kindles.  It is a difficult task, with FREE as the alternative, due to the good work of

Knowing all this and fancying myself some sort of epubbing evangelist (with no legitimate basis whatsoever) I have  decided to share my marketing plans with my fellow authors for my soon to be released novella, THE GENERAL STORE, a naughty story about a dirty old man with a big one – a really big one.

Please note, I am committing this magnanimous act of charity with the hope of generating sufficient comments of get  a heartfelt “good job” message from the WordPress auto-responder. Being so, here is my plan for selling one million ebooks in one week…

1. Day One: The Great Twitter Spamathon

If you are a new epubbing, Twitter is a place where authors try to sell ebooks to other authors (followers) who are too busy writing to read them. Authors spamming authors is a core tenet of ebook marketing, thus it would be negligent to abandon this exercise in futility. My plan is to simply intensify the approach, eight thousand five hundred plus tweets in one day, six a minute. No wit involved. Simple demands to purchase THE GENERAL STORE. My plan: induce buying with promises to stop.

Projected Sales: 3 ebooks

2. Day Two: The Apple Store Tour

Instead of embarking on a worldwide book tour or some nonsensical virtual blog thing-a-ma-jig, on day two of my marketing plan I am going to visit five Apple Stores and continually reset the home page on all browsers to Based on traffic to the Manhattan Apple store alone I’m certain this approach will generate thousands of page views. In addition, I’m projecting high profile arguments with the in-store Apple geniuses, and perhaps even some physical altercations, will create a hub-bub that will lead to lots of free publicity and a level of curiosity  worth quenching for $0.99.

Projected Sales: 10 ebooks

3. Day Three: Commission Forbucks Show Tunes

Commission some third rate orchestra and a worthy Holiday Inn vocalist to rework a few show tunes and then post them on Youtube.

People, People who read Forbucks are the luckiest people in the world…

Sun will come out tomorrow, buy a book by Forbucks and there will be sun…

He’s an ebook wizard, there has got to be a twist….How do you think he does, I don’t know. What makes him so good…

Projected Sales: 1,000 ebooks

4. Day Four:  Stephen King Endorsement

Stephen King lives in Maine. I live in Massachusetts. We both like the Red Sox. We both write books. This is an obvious basis for Stephen King wanting to spend a half day of quality time with me to become best buds and then countersign a simple pre-prepared endorsement.

Wright Forbucks is the greatest author that ever lived. – Stephen King

Projected Sales: 1o,000 ebooks

5. Day Five: Crotch hits

No Internet marketing plan can succeed without a product placement within a Youtube video that shows teenage boys injuring their genitals by performing stupid stunts. My plan here is to challenge the local   skateboard intelligentsia to zoom off the roof of a triple decker while reading THE GENERAL STORE and then try to plant a landing on the top rail of a chain link fence. I’m certain the resultant accidents will instantly generate ten million Youtube visits.

Projected Sales: 100,000 ebooks

6. Days Six and Seven: Take myself Hostage

Like the black sheriff in the Mel Brooks classic, Blazing Saddles, I’ll threaten to kill myself if I don’t reach one million ebook sales by midnight Sunday. I’ll start with minor threats of self injury, like sticking my forefinger in an electric pencil sharpener. Then, if sales faulter, I’ll start getting increasingly gruesome eventually threatening to stick my head in a Fryolater at McDonalds, or worse. My reasoning here is this…if we can save the whales, god dammit, we can save Wright Forbucks!

Projected Sales: 888,987 ebooks

Total Sales: 1,000,000 ebooks

W4$ 🙂

Meet the Forbucks

More than one reader has accused me of using a pen name to hide my true identity. I assure you this is not the case. My name is Wright Forbucks and I am proud to be Wright Forbucks. Damn proud.

My lineage can be traced to 1917 when my grandmother, Blight Murphy, a strange woman who claimed her grandparents were killed in the Potato Famine of 1846, arrived in the United States from Ireland. Shortly thereafter, at a Boston tavern noted for selling discount stale ale, Blight met my grandfather, a Scottish penny pincher named, Tight Forbucks. Tight’s first son was my dad, Flight Forbucks. Flight was an airplane mechanic; he worked for Orville Wright, my namesake. Unfortunately, my dad was injured in a propeller accident at age twenty-three, a year after marrying my Mom, Plight Forbucks, a Red Cross nurse. Growing up I never knew may dad. He lived in our house but “the accident” destroyed  the part of his brain responsible for personality, so his communication was limited to groaning. A high-pitched groan meant he needed food. A low-pitched groan meant he needed a service that led to my siblings:  my eldest sister Slight Forbucks, woman so thin she could hide behind a birch tree; my brother Bright, a MIT particle physicist;  my look-alike, Smite, a shameless defense contractor; my inane little sis Trite; and my soft-drink addicted bro Sprite.

Readers may continue to assert that Wright Forbucks and his family are fictitious. In response, I steadfastly maintain that we are as real as the sustained groan my father still emits whenever he reads one of my books 🙂