Bless Me Father for I have Sinned.

I just finished my third novel, THE GENERAL STORE, and hit the publish button at Amazon.com. It is another work of comic fiction. This time an environmental/sex comedy set in the small town of Apple, Massachusetts. I wrote THE GENERAL STORE due to my subconscious desire to be excommunicated from the Catholic church. I’ve always wanted a bishop, or perhaps a cardinal, to knock on my door and yell at me like a home plate umpire, “You’re Outta here!”

I’m not sure how many sins THE GENERAL STORE commits because the sin-counter on my word processor has been disabled by a virus, but there is one chapter where every other word is mother f*!!*#* and another where an well-endowed young man does something improper with a Wendy’s chocolate Frosty.

I can’t say I’m proud about writing a book with no redeeming qualities, but I’m fairly certain it does contain a few scenes that will make most readers smash their Kindles on the ground and laugh until their sides hurt, and what’s wrong with that, especially if you got one of those new Fire tablets that constantly freezes and randomly shouts ‘redrum!” while you’re trying to read.

I also believe THE GENERAL STORE has a few noteworthy quotes, including the first rule of infidelity, “Don’t cheat with a woman that looks like an orangutang if your wife is a kick-boxer.” I also believe the book has one of the all-time great opening lines, but I’ll leave that to you to judge. (Go to Amazon and click on preview, if you’re too cheap to throw down the $2.99)

Now comes the hard part of writing a book, selling it.

With my last work, THE WALKING MAN (11/18 Five Star reviews) I did the twitter thing. This means I spent my time trying to sell my book to other authors who are generally too busy writing to read. I also did the Free Amazon.com KDP Select scam, giving away 10,000+ books to earn enough money to buy a pack of used condoms. This time around my plan is to advertise. Pure and simple. I’ve read there is no worse return than advertising an ebook, that readership must be earned by sending hand-signed letters to book bloggers, and begging literary rock stars for a retweet. My fear is this is true, but nonetheless I plan to advertise. Now I just have to find a web site with a million viewers that will accept an ad for a book about a man with a big one – a really big one.

Hmmm, maybe Funny or Die!

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The General Store – A Naughty Novella.

I’m pleased to announce the publication of THE GENERAL STORE, my third ebook. It is now available at Amazon.com.

To recap my illustrious indie author career, my first book was EVEN STEVEN, a romantic comedy about particle physics. It is a book without a genre, and so far, not much of an audience. But, the few folks that have read it seem to love it. If you want to read something very very different, check it out.

My second book is a romance/satire about quadriplegia called THE WALKING MAN. Several people have read THE WALKING MAN. Some folks love this book. It contains quite a few laughs and imparts some insights about immobility that make it a worthwhile read.

Now comes my third book, THE GENERAL STORE. In this book I am intentionally trying to attract a wider audience by  writing a flat out comedy about sex and betrayal in a small town. Meant to be read in one sitting. The main goal of this book is to make you laugh.

The opening line in THE GENERAL STORE sets the tone and goes downhill from there.

“Although Jebediah Jones was ninety-three years old, he could still remember his first erection like it was yesterday.”

Now available at Amazon.com. See blurb below.

The General Store

The small town of Apple, Massachusetts is falling apart. Mayor Happy Munson has betrayed another “friend.” This time an old man with the money and brains to get even. Jebediah Jones, the well-endowed the owner of the General Store, has been arrested for literally hanging out. And, Doris Keegle, the chairman of the Apple’s restoration committee, wants Rake Davis, the leader of the town’s biker club, to stop half burying his old Ford pick-up trucks. THE GENERAL STORE is an LOL comedy about what happens when small minded people start minding other people’s business. WICKED FUNNY! Available now in ebook format at Amazon.com. This naughty novella is Rated R due to crass language and sexual content.

Fiction. 31,000 words.

Price: $2.99 USD

More 5-Star Reviews for The Walking Man

What an awesome story! I found it tough to put down and wished it was longer when it was over. There were real feelings in this story about relationships, guilt, anger, sadness, acceptance, love and commitment. I’ll be watching for this author to continue with future books. 5-Stars Miss Trixie

I don’t always download a book promoted to me in a Twitter direct message, but the price was right, so I thought, what the heck, I’ll put it on my Kindle. I am so glad I did! It was a wonderfully written, witty, and poignant tale of a quadriplegic and his adjustment to life as well as his quest for a cure and for love. The characters are rich and colorful; the story well-paced. Although the novella does not take long to finish, you may be sad when it’s over–it’s that good. I highly recommend “The Walking Man” to others. 5-Stars CRubin

This is a quirky read and it draws you in. It could have been a pity party anywhere along the way but it’s not. There is a real depth of character, complete with warts and blemishes, that makes this a real treasure. There is often an attempt to brush over our flaws, to airbrush out the things in our life that make us seem immature or petty; not so in this story. From an outraged, self-centered teenage (and not without reason) who is incapable of seeing beyond himself to a grown man who comes to understand his place in a larger world, the ride is well worth it. Every now and again, the person you were meant to be, really wins. This story proves it and with humor to boot!

The subject material, in lesser hands, could have been really depressing but not in this story. The writing is on point with the characters with no extraneous tangents to distract you.

No obvious typos or formatting issues which is always a big plus. Do yourself a favor and grab this one. You’ll see what the rave reviews are all about. 5-Stars Reader4Life