Since we all know ebook sales no longer have anything to do with the quality of your work, traditional means of promoting an ebook are completely meaningless. Internet hype is all that matters. The new goal of any legitimate author should be to write a best seller that nobody reads. The key to doing this, as we all know, is to generate sufficient “web-buzz” to induce a moment of virtual mass hysteria that causes one million people to simultaneous share the need to spend ninety-nine cents to fill a few kilobytes of memory in their respective Kindles. It is a difficult task, with FREE as the alternative, due to the good work of Amazon.com.
Knowing all this and fancying myself some sort of epubbing evangelist (with no legitimate basis whatsoever) I have decided to share my marketing plans with my fellow authors for my soon to be released novella, THE GENERAL STORE, a naughty story about a dirty old man with a big one – a really big one.
Please note, I am committing this magnanimous act of charity with the hope of generating sufficient comments of get a heartfelt “good job” message from the WordPress auto-responder. Being so, here is my plan for selling one million ebooks in one week…
1. Day One: The Great Twitter Spamathon
If you are a new epubbing, Twitter is a place where authors try to sell ebooks to other authors (followers) who are too busy writing to read them. Authors spamming authors is a core tenet of ebook marketing, thus it would be negligent to abandon this exercise in futility. My plan is to simply intensify the approach, eight thousand five hundred plus tweets in one day, six a minute. No wit involved. Simple demands to purchase THE GENERAL STORE. My plan: induce buying with promises to stop.
Projected Sales: 3 ebooks
2. Day Two: The Apple Store Tour
Instead of embarking on a worldwide book tour or some nonsensical virtual blog thing-a-ma-jig, on day two of my marketing plan I am going to visit five Apple Stores and continually reset the home page on all browsers to http://www.wrightforbucks.com. Based on traffic to the Manhattan Apple store alone I’m certain this approach will generate thousands of page views. In addition, I’m projecting high profile arguments with the in-store Apple geniuses, and perhaps even some physical altercations, will create a hub-bub that will lead to lots of free publicity and a level of curiosity worth quenching for $0.99.
Projected Sales: 10 ebooks
3. Day Three: Commission Forbucks Show Tunes
Commission some third rate orchestra and a worthy Holiday Inn vocalist to rework a few show tunes and then post them on Youtube.
People, People who read Forbucks are the luckiest people in the world…
Sun will come out tomorrow, buy a book by Forbucks and there will be sun…
He’s an ebook wizard, there has got to be a twist….How do you think he does, I don’t know. What makes him so good…
Projected Sales: 1,000 ebooks
4. Day Four: Stephen King Endorsement
Stephen King lives in Maine. I live in Massachusetts. We both like the Red Sox. We both write books. This is an obvious basis for Stephen King wanting to spend a half day of quality time with me to become best buds and then countersign a simple pre-prepared endorsement.
Wright Forbucks is the greatest author that ever lived. – Stephen King
Projected Sales: 1o,000 ebooks
5. Day Five: Crotch hits
No Internet marketing plan can succeed without a product placement within a Youtube video that shows teenage boys injuring their genitals by performing stupid stunts. My plan here is to challenge the local skateboard intelligentsia to zoom off the roof of a triple decker while reading THE GENERAL STORE and then try to plant a landing on the top rail of a chain link fence. I’m certain the resultant accidents will instantly generate ten million Youtube visits.
Projected Sales: 100,000 ebooks
6. Days Six and Seven: Take myself Hostage
Like the black sheriff in the Mel Brooks classic, Blazing Saddles, I’ll threaten to kill myself if I don’t reach one million ebook sales by midnight Sunday. I’ll start with minor threats of self injury, like sticking my forefinger in an electric pencil sharpener. Then, if sales faulter, I’ll start getting increasingly gruesome eventually threatening to stick my head in a Fryolater at McDonalds, or worse. My reasoning here is this…if we can save the whales, god dammit, we can save Wright Forbucks!
Projected Sales: 888,987 ebooks
Total Sales: 1,000,000 ebooks
More than one reader has accused me of using a pen name to hide my true identity. I assure you this is not the case. My name is Wright Forbucks and I am proud to be Wright Forbucks. Damn proud.
My lineage can be traced to 1917 when my grandmother, Blight Murphy, a strange woman who claimed her grandparents were killed in the Potato Famine of 1846, arrived in the United States from Ireland. Shortly thereafter, at a Boston tavern noted for selling discount stale ale, Blight met my grandfather, a Scottish penny pincher named, Tight Forbucks. Tight’s first son was my dad, Flight Forbucks. Flight was an airplane mechanic; he worked for Orville Wright, my namesake. Unfortunately, my dad was injured in a propeller accident at age twenty-three, a year after marrying my Mom, Plight Forbucks, a Red Cross nurse. Growing up I never knew may dad. He lived in our house but “the accident” destroyed the part of his brain responsible for personality, so his communication was limited to groaning. A high-pitched groan meant he needed food. A low-pitched groan meant he needed a service that led to my siblings: my eldest sister Slight Forbucks, woman so thin she could hide behind a birch tree; my brother Bright, a MIT particle physicist; my look-alike, Smite, a shameless defense contractor; my inane little sis Trite; and my soft-drink addicted bro Sprite.
Readers may continue to assert that Wright Forbucks and his family are fictitious. In response, I steadfastly maintain that we are as real as the sustained groan my father still emits whenever he reads one of my books 🙂